It's Not a Spider Bite

I thought a spider bit me. I must have offended the arachnid group at some point, and they sent in a very angry representative - and then I rolled on him. That is what I imagined. Nine days later and the bite was still driving me crazy. It finally dawned on my little pea-brain that maybe I should have it looked at. Maybe all the stuff my body has gone through in the last nine or ten months has rendered it ineffective to deal with a pissed-off venemous creature. I felt a little stupid saying, "I think I have a spider bite that I can't fight off - do I need an antibiotic or something"? The doctor looked at it and said "That's not a bite". "It is either genital herpes or shingles". Why did he even offer genital herpes? It's on my shoulder blade. Being who I am though, I have to explore this - "Is that really an option?" There is something evil in me that enjoys making doctor's a little uncomfortable. Pay-back is a mo' fo' . . . no? The poor unsuspecting M.D. stutters through an implausible explanation of how one might contract genital herpes on their shoulder blade. Just let you're imagination run wild here. I did. I'm not buying it, (and neither is he, but he put it out there and now must make it seem possible) nor am I letting it go. "Exactly how would one get genital herpes on their shoulder blade"? Now, trying to extricate himself from the crazy patient, who has no patience - and no longer suffers fools lightly, he changes tactics and determines that it is most likely shingles. Ya' think? Good lord - cancer has turned me into one of those crazy, cranky old codgers that no longer gives a hoot what anyone thinks.

When I was about to be wheeled into surgery a couple of months ago - literally all hooked up to IV's, weird leg massagey things pumping up and down making sure you don't throw a blood-clot, bad, useless hospital gown - the nurse comes in with her final check-list. She asks (and I quote) "Do you have any serious illnesses we should be aware of"? I know. Let that sink in. I did. Inject a long, uncomfortable pause here. "Do you mean . . . other than the cancer?" Nervous laughter. I realize they have their legal lists they have to go through but really? I mean, I've only been in and out of that place every other week for month's on end. There have been so many moments like this one through this process. It's like I'm living in a paralell universe, and it's almost normal, but everything is just a little skewed. I still have to question it all sometimes. Is this really happening?

So . . . shingles. Obviously, just cancer was getting a little old. Dull, actually. All I could really do was laugh. Shingles? Okay. Bring it on. It seems small after hearing "You have cancer". It is quite annoying though. It hurts. It itches. There isn't really anything you can do about it. It's a virus - the adult manifestation of chicken pox. It has apparently been dormant in my body since I was a kid and had chicken pox. Now, with my immune system depressed, it popped out. A nasty spider bite would have been preferable. It's just one more little side story from the big "c" coaster ride. It makes me want to SING! I feel pretty, oh so pretty . . .