Where Are You?

"I haven't seen anything new on your blog lately, is everything all right?", "Are you still writing?", "You don't write anymore." Into my head pops that gooey Barbara Streisand/Neil Diamond duet "You Don't Bring Me Flowers". Let's see Bab's and Mr. Spangly Shirt go through four months of chemo and keep showing up with posies! I've got posies! They are rattling around in my brain - I just don't have the energy to actually write them down! It makes me cranky. You probably already picked up on that. As crabby as I am, it pleases me that people want to read more. So, here goes . . . Thursday was my final chemo! I was giddy as they dripped the toxins in one last time. My Dr. told me I should be proud that I made it through all six. They couldn't do one more - too many of my bodies systems are no longer bouncing back. I can't say that "proud" is the adjective I would have chosen - maybe "fubar". They certainly take you to the brink. I am lying on that brink now, like a wet dishtowel. Sunday was my birthday. I woke up at one point to find a shiny balloon tied to my wrist. My daughter thought that would be nice. My son wrote "Happy Birthday!" on the balloon. As sweet and adorable as all that was, I couldn't help but feel like the 100 year old tchachki in the corner with the pathetic, sparkly balloon tied on in an effort to jeujze it up. We decided to simply postpone any birthday celebrations until I am up and about again. If it is still floating, I'll have to put my sparkly balloon back on.

So much has happened since I last put my thoughts down, I don't know where to begin. After my 5th chemo, I did an MRI for the surgeon to get a good picture of what she's going to be operating on. Imagine my amazement when what they found was NO visible invasive cancer at all! As difficult as the chemo has been, it has certainly done it's job. What does all this mean? Do I have to do the 6th chemo? Yes. Is there still surgery involved? Yes. I had non-invasive as well as invasive cancer. Although non-invasive is good - it can't be touched by chemotherapy. What are my odds of another cancer starting up in the other breast? Unfortunately, fairly high since my maternal grandmother died of ovarian cancer. Mine is a hormone driven cancer - so it's going to be a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of recurrence. They will do reconstructive surgery at the same time. You know the old ditty "All's I want fer Christmas is ma two front teeth..." - change the lyrics a little and add some hair - that's all's I want. My daughter told me last night that she can hardly remember what I look like with hair. She only remembers that it was fat. I love that description! Me and my fat hair!

It is almost two weeks since I wrote those last two paragraphs and things have changed a bit. As it turns out, my oncologist wants to do radiation therapy. That may compromise the reconstructive surgery happening simultaneously. I should know in the next week, just what the plan is. I am trying very hard not to think in terms of - I have to have radiation, but that I get to have radiation. My cancer is being treated aggressively, and that gives me the best chance against further metastases. I am struggling with looking at my situation with a "glass half full" attitude. I am getting there - it's just that right now, I'd like that glass to be half full of vodka. Give me a few days to process it all, and I will want ginger ale again.